A Daughter's Portrait

Portrait of an Artist's Daughter
10.5" x 13"

© 2003 Jude Silva

Flowers for My Wife

Last week we suffered the miscarriage of our first child.
The loss of the fetus is a danger many pregnant women face but miscarriage is not a subject easily discussed.
The human dimensions of the loss is difficult to discuss when we can not begin to recognize and understand the magnitude of our silent sorrow.
The emotional pain she has and is going through is unmistakable.
I share this with her.
The unfulfilled promise of life remains a question we can not answer.

A Loss for Words

My brother's birthday is today, and sadly, my mind is still composing a long blog about Yosemite. My wife saw my problem and decided to write something to help.Happy Birthday, pare.

Ansel Adams in Concert

The night before, Steve was over and we all had a nice birthday-eve dinner and a movie. This also came with LOTS to drink so even before the movie was over I was snoring on the couch. The next morning 8 April Sunday, my first utterance was “Happy Birthday Honey”. My next task was to get out of bed. Umm well it was a major task. The feeling of parched muscles and bone joints plus the splitting headache did not do me well. A dehydrated body can be a major downer to start you wife’s birthday. But get up I did, re-hydrating with lots of water and then she reminded me that our friends Geoff and Allyson were making Birthday breakfast for her that morning (Just five more minutes) in my mind was all I was thinking at that point. And that we were leaving right after breakfast for Yosemite National Park for a three day rendezvous with nature. So we hastily left packing a few things and were off for breakfast.The breakfast was nice under the warm sun, it was home made waffles, bacon, sausage, OJ, with home made bosenberry jam. We also were there to borrow a bike rack to attach on our car. Yes, we were bringing along our mountain bikes. The thought of it made me shudder. First, I haven’t biked in a VERY long time and second, the thought of 2 bikes dangling on this contraption strapped on the back of your car while going 80 MPH gave me imaginary visuals of them falling off and hitting the car behind us thus causing a major pileup on the freeway and us having to go to jail for accidental manslaughter just wasn’t my idea of a nice leisurely drive up the mountains. We left and went back home to grab our few belongings, cameras, bikes and long underwear. And we were off.Me being the wimp that I am asked her to take the wheel since I was still nursing my hangover. I nervously kept and eye out from the passenger side view mirror every 5 minutes or after hearing the interval thudding of those strapped bikes on the boot of the car till we reached our first destination four hours later. Aunt Kris (Gigi’s Dad’s sister) and Uncle Larry’s place. They live “as the crow flies” 50 miles away from the south east tail of the Sierras. Meaning their back yard has a breathtaking view of the place we were motoring to the next day. We arrived to find the place empty but Gigi recalled that earlier the week prior, her aunt said they would be away that day but would leave the key in a hanging basket on a tree in front of the house. Well, what tree? There were many trees and many hanging baskets or objects that could have been a hiding place for the key to the front door. She eventually found it and we welcomed ourselves in. Heading straight for the bathroom. You know how that goes. They (Aunt and Uncle) finally arrived an hour later and right away made us very welcome, offering refreshments (read: beer and wine), Humus spread and cheese and crackers while awaiting the sunset on their back deck with a nice warm fire to boot. When it got too cold (they live about 5,000 feet above sea level) we ushered ourselves in while Kris made dinner of baked ham, bread and risotto. More wine was set on the table (one of the was even a reserved wine) meaning it was a special occasion. Kris also made lemon squares with 3 candles on then and presented Gigi with a Gift basket. A very nice gesture. They also showed us our sleeping quarters, which is an in-law section of their house. It looked very quaint with lots or real antiques, I liked that. We slept well that night.The next day 9 April, we were up at 6 am to set out by 8 am. Breakfast was sliced apples and some toast and OJ. Aunt Kris and Uncle Larry were to come with us into the valley, which was 2 hours away by car though 50 miles if you could be a bird. The trip had a lot of anticipation of the sights that were to be seen although the trip in itself was very scenic. Climbing up higher to 6,000 feet then descending on to the valley floor was nice enough. As we entered a tunnel blasted through the granite rock we emerged at “Inspiration Point” --- And inspiring it was! A scene straight out of the movies. You had to stop and take it in. The majestic view of “El Capitan” and the Yosemite Valley with all the redwoods and giant sequoias down bellow were truly worth the nervous twitch I had developed during the drive. Uncle Larry expertly explained the different mountains and waterfalls and their locations, the trails that you could hike and the crazy feats that some people have done on those giant rocks. For those that who don't know, Uncle Larry and Aunt Kris met in Yosemite and both worked there when they were younger, they lived in the park for 5 years before moving upland and settling down and having their son. So they knew a lot about the area. Before we reached the entrance to the valley floor we turned towards the Mariposa Grove were the famed Giant Sequoias were located, you know, where they carved out a tree so cars could drive through its trunk. Well, that tree fell in the early 70’s but they carved out another one but this time for pedestrian use only. The pictures do not do justice to the enormous size of these living giants. They are the oldest LIVING things on earth. Try 1,000 BC or 3,000 years old. That would make a believer in God of anyone who thinks they are invincible. Can you imagine what these trees have seen in their lifetime, or what they have been through? Makes you wonder why they are still here when everything else seems so temporary. After huffing up and down the footpath to see them we were ready to move on. From there we motored on to the valley floor itself to grab a quick lunch within the Yosemite village. A roast beef sandwich and a beer would do it for me bought from Degnan’s Deli, which started operations in 1890’s. Around the time John Muir was lobbying the government to set aside Yosemite as a natural preserve. In fact Ansel Adams joined the Sierra club at age 17 which was founded by John Muir. Now that's a different story, either look it up in your local library or Google it and you may educate yourself. It was now 2:00pm and Aunt Kris and Larry were ready to head home. So we bid our goodbye's and saw them off. We decided that it was time to check in at the Yosemite Lodge that we had reserved a week earlier. When we got there, which was only about 5 minutes away from where we parted ways with her Aunt and Uncle, we were dumbfounded to find out that the "Wawona" room that we thought we had booked was actually a different hotel! An hour uphill called the Wawona Hotel. Gigi was a bit devastated about the situation. Realizing that we would NOT wake up to the sound of the Yosemite Falls and the ease of biking around the various breathtaking views was quite a damper. So are the woe's of booking online. Nevertheless we machoed ourselves to leave the place and drove back up the mountain for an hour to find the Wawona Hotel. It was actually not bad, being historic and all that. Built around the 1870's to accomodate the coach (stagecoach) drivers and passengers. But before that, to lighten our "spirits" we went to the village store and stocked up on liquids that would ease our dissapointment. We arrived and checked in and realized it was all not that bad. Between drowning our sorrows we had a very nice dinner at their banquet hall dining on Flat iron steak and chicken marsala. While waiting for our table we had some cocktails in a section of the lobby. I had my ususal "Dutch Piss" a.k.a. Heineken beer and Gigi had a Gin and Tonic and we sat there listening to this middle aged man brailing his way on the piano. He played old ragtime music "nothing younger than the 30's" --he said but played a great rendition of the theme from "The Sting". We both agreed that this was his secret masterpeice being that he played it enthusiastically and pretended he didn't know it that well. It was a nice placid yet casual place you could just hang out--part of the lobby. And in between his tapping of the ivories he would break out and engage the small crowd that had started gathering while waiting for thier names to be called for dinner. At this point he blurted out that Ansel Adams was a great Concert Pianist and was on his way to becoming one-- if not for that other hobby he had (taking pictures). We both looked at each other and said, hey, I didn't know that. Imagine if he did not persue his interest in Photography and went on to be a concert pianist. Hence the title Ansel Adams in Concert. My take on it is that his pictures were silent concerts that when you saw them they played music in your eyes.The night was cold so we called it a day by around 10 pm. The next morning 10 April, we slept in till about 9:30 am with the knowledge that complimentary breakfast was being served till 10:30 in the morning. We got up and dressed and went down to the banquet hall to put our names in and sat waiting to be called and escorted to our table. We had a hearty meal of corned beef hash, scrambled eggs, pancakes, fresh watermelon and cantaloupe plus the old faithful OJ. We then decided to visit the Pioneer Yosemite History Center, which is a collection of historic buildings associated with the people, and events that shaped the national park idea in Yosemite. It was only a walk away from the Wawona Hotel. After seeing the place and imagining how it was back then we went back to the hotel to collect our bikes and went on a 4-mile bike along a path in the meadows nearby. It was a nice ride sometimes a bit of an incline for me but the views were serene and peaceful. The crackling of pine needles under your bike wheels wisps of wind and the chirping of birds is all you could hear. Not to mention my short of breath panting. It took us about an hour and a half till we ended up near our hotel again. By this time is afternoon and the weather was starting to get cold. So we sat around on the balcony in front of our room just sitting in the sun to keep us warm. With beverages in hand we just sat and thought. We decided that we would stay around the area of the hotel for the rest of the day and plan our adventure for the next day. We went down to the dinner banquet hall again, submitted our names and waited to be called. Again. While waiting we had more cocktails but the wait wasn’t long enough so we took our drinks in with us and had a very nice dinner of seared salmon and veggies. In a place that is visited by so many people from all over the world you could not help but over hear the different languages and accents of the other guests during our dinner. After the heavy meal we went to our room and I decided to take a nap. (It was only about 7:30 pm and there I was all bundled up under the sheets and blanket and duvet). Two hours later I woke up with the sounds of chatting outside our window, which by the way the curtains were parted so anyone who passed by could actually see me. So this chatting I heard was Gigi and another woman with her 10-year-old son on holiday too. They (Kathy and her son Shawn) were from San Diego and were nice next room neighbors. She brought out a bottle of red wine and he brought out a game of monopoly. Still being in bed but awake by now I decided to get up and join them. They were having fun and the boy was really into his game. The mom and Gigi were starting to get really cold and tired at this point and so the game ended and back to bed it was for all of us. It was about 10:30 pm by then. The next morning, our final day in Yosemite, while we were having breakfast I started hearing big raindrops. Yes it started to rain. We decided that this would not stop us from driving back down the valley to enjoy the sights that we were to be leaving that day. By the time we reached our destination, it was raining hard. We still got out of the car to have a close up view of Yosemite falls. Wet and cold we took some pictures and headed back to the car. While walking the rain broke and got a bit of sun. This made a perfect time to shoot some amazing pictures of the mist covered granite rocks and surrounding scenery. Then we went to the famed Ahwahnee hotel (a $500/night place) surely not in our budget but nice to see. Its grand wooden pillars and Native American inspired décor made an interesting place to see and take some photos. From there we decided it was time to go home. So with bikes re-checked that the straps would hold we headed up the mountain again and took the road back to San Francisco. By this time the rain had turned to hail and then to snow. Yes SNOW! This made a very interesting drive. Our car temperature gauge read the outside temp as 32 degrees. We stopped and took more photos of the bizarre weather change. We drove on and reached a town about 3 hours away from home to stop for lunch. It was 62 degrees in that town. I had a huge steak (too large that I had to brown bag my leftovers) and Gigi had some Chili Rellenos. From there we would not stop and we reached home by 5:00pm Wednesday 11 April. After quickly unpacking and resting I started downloading pictures and video footage I took and so did Gigi (from her own camera). So as you see it was more of a Photo-shoot-adventure than anything else yet it was memorable. So in closing I will leave you with this image, hope you enjoyed the experience as we did.

Click HERE for a multimedia image essay.

FRIDAYS' ART

Free All People.

Free Therapy

Intuition - Live at the Rock Garden

Keep on rockin' in the fifth world!

Lounge Member No. 9-1063

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YELLOW FEATHER
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When we were young and life was innocent
we spent a lot of time with drums and cheer.
Guitars, cigarettes and lots of beer
It was how we lived and dreamed.

Life was just beginning for many who thought
it was just all fun, games and good times.
We all thought that that’s how it should have been
but it was not how it should have seemed.

Now we are older and we care to know
how things turned out between the scenes.
Why we were meant to meet again as time goes on,
and we venture on, friends lost and found again.

Many times you ask how it came to be,
that this life is linked all the same.
With family and friends that were long lost
and now are forever welded strong.

It is a fine feeling that now we are
the people we are supposed to be.
No distance can keep it apart, now that we met
again as friends from the past.

Why you ask that it be of importance,
that you are there again for someone who cares.
He is my brother a close one at that
that never knew that we were friends.

When we were young and life was innocent.

Click here to see more.

Nine Valentine’s Days Apart

It cannot be a coincidence. How often does it happen that two of your siblings in a family of nine were born on the same day? That one of them is second to the eldest and one is second to the youngest? That both were born on the second week of the second month of the year-Valentine’s Day? And that the last two digits of the years of their birth are interchangeable? It must have been fate, that both struck out at an early age to pursue a life that was quite out of the norm. Both had quite the guts to stand unwavering on their life decisions, and both are quite successful in spite of the obstacles they had to hurdle. So on this day, we would like to greet you both happy “Birthtine’s”.

A Decade After

As the day broke it seemed a bit different from the usual daily grind that occurred. His normal grogginess was snapped short by the realization of his impending departure. He sat on his bed just staring at a half empty box of items and personal effects that he would be taking along on his journey. He realized that he has less than 24 hours to go before leaving his birthland. Many things were distracting his concentration to make judgments on what to take and what to leave behind. A week prior, he had already sealed 3 boxes and marked them. Two of the boxes had a note taped on with a message saying: “may be disposed of” and the last one said, “I want to see this again.”

He often had to stop due to the swirl of thoughts popping in and out in his mind. He was bringing life into this world and how would it turn out? What will happen to his life? Where was he going? What would he do? How would he break the news to his parents? And on the other hand what and whom was he leaving behind? Was it the right thing to do? He was nervous but excited in an uncanny way. Now he took a swig of beer that was beginning to warm up from the tropical heat. He took a long drag from the cigarette burning in the ashtray beside his bed and continued on with the task at hand.

It was late afternoon by now and a queue of visitors start flowing in to bid their last goodbyes. Family members and friends, one by one they came and at times as one was leaving the next would arrive. It was quite a bizarre scene and in the back of his mind the box was still half empty. Later in the evening a whole pack of former colleagues arrived bringing spirits and laughter. They decided to throw him a last minute going away party. Arrrrgh! Just what he needed. So into the night they stayed and exchanged stories of about who he was and what he did. They reminded him of many people and events that he affected. More beer was being passed around; more stories were being told. It was now 7 hours before take off, he had to go back and forth to his room and his guests so he could seal the box. They finally had to call it a night at 3:00 am…by this time inebriated and tired. The last items were thrown in though not full, the box was sealed.

He caught an hour of restless sleep in time to take his last shower and bid his niece and nephews a last goodbye. His brother and 2 friends rushed on the still dark highway toward the airport. It was 5 am. Last farewells were said, and he was on his own. A few hours later it was time. He got on the aircraft with a heavy heart. His window seat had a view of the tarmac, as the engines were fired his hands got cold. The thrust of take off was quick; soon he felt the wheels of the plane become airborne. Now his heart sank as he watched his city get smaller by the minute and as soon as they broke through the clouds it was all gone. It was just the beginning. He left ten years ago today.

Is the box now full?

ER Episode1

Thursday Feb 1: Jake had a nice evening dinner with Gianna and his best friend/man Fenny. Gianna called it a night at around 9:00 pm due to medication side effects for her phlegm-induced clogged lungs. Jake stayed up and had a lengthy discussion with Fenny about his upcoming travel to the motherland and Fenny’s situation regarding his own future back “home”. Fenny then notices that the night was calling so bid goodbye. Time: 10:30 pm. Jake went to bed at 11:00pm. The night was still.

Friday Feb. 2: 2:30 am. He wakes from an excruciating pain in and around his solar plexus, he crumples and convulses in pain. 3:30 am. After praying to God to make the pain go away he finally decides to wake Gianna up and tell her what is happening. She assesses the situation and asks him some questions. Jake is in so much pain by now and says she needs to call the Doctor. So Gianna calls and the doctor asks what the symptoms are, she explains and after a few words exchanged she passes the phone on to Jake. “On a scale of 1 to 10, how much pain are you experiencing?” “Uh, between 7 to 8, I can’t really talk it hurts so much” then passes the phone back to Gianna. A few more words exchanged and Jake hears “in 10 minutes”. So Gianna gets dressed and tells him “I’ll get the car around and go up and get you.” Jake does not wait, he dresses up and waits by the window and sees the car arriving downstairs. He grabs his keys and gets going still clutching his abdomen. 28 steps down and into the car. Time: 4:30 am. Kaiser Permanente Hospital, Redwood City, Ca. EMERGENCY ROOM.

Time: 4:45 am. Admitted -BP 139/90. More waiting, then again, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how much pain are you experiencing?” “Between 7 to 8!” Lead into a hospital bed and asked to undress. He is separated by a curtain with a woman in the next bed groaning in pain. RN #1: Same questions and explains that they will have to do “tests” on him. RN #2 smiling says this won’t hurt. A few minutes later, 4 vials are filled with his blood, a plastic catheter is in his arm, red “dot” stickers are attached to his chest and connected to an EKG meter, and a finger up his pwet. A doctor now enters but the pain makes him deaf to the words. Asked to drink a “GI cocktail” of Lidocaine and Mylanta, the drink made his tongue and throat numb, but the pain remains. Again “On a scale of 1 to 10, how much pain are you experiencing?” “Between 7 to 8!” Another option: morphine. A small shot later, he sees little dots with tails resembling sperm on a Petri dish and then a weird facial tingle all the way up to the roots of his hair. Then ahhhh…he feels the pain going away. Again, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how much pain are you experiencing?” “Beshweewn 2 to 3.” His eyes are rolling and his speech is slurred. Soon, he is asked to pee in a cup otherwise a plastic tube will be used. In a panic, he finds urine. Time: 7:45 am.

Drugged and confused, he hears codes and dinging as two ambulances arrive. However, time passes quickly and an orderly is there to pick him up for an ultrasound. 8:30 am. A woman rubs a cream and device all over his abdomen for a photo shoot. 8:40 am Sitting in a metal wheelchair waiting to be taken back to ER. 9:00 am. Thirsty and still waiting. Pwet is sore. 9:30 am Finally in new bed and waiting for doctor. 10:00 New doctor arrives and says Jake has “gastritis” and gives him information on heartburn. Jake knows he does not have heartburn. 10:30 am. Picks up heartburn and pain killer medicine at pharmacy. 11:00 am. Back home. 12 noon. Passes out and wonders what happened.

Jackson Pollock

How did he do it?
Check out http://jacksonpollock.org/

Thanks Leah Bay.

Patriarch

Blink and before you know it, 52 years has passed.
Note to self: must reach 52 years old.

Happy Birthday Pare!

A Welcomed Distraction

We met when you where still a round ball in your mom’s tummy. The August of 1983, it was quite a nice feeling that you would come into our lives. As you know, in Manila, it rains a lot. Your mom accidentally was poked by an umbrella on her tummy and she was worried sick that something might have happened to you. As it turned out everything was ok. When you were born you were quite a famous little “townie” in Pittsford, NY. Everyone wanted to meet and greet you. The next time we met, you were 13 months old and I was writing my thesis. You were always a welcome break from the grueling demands of my final semester of schooling at the University of Santo Tomas. In fact, you are a dedication in the thesis book that was published and kept in the library of that university. The next time we met you were seven years old. You enjoyed playing in the rain and swimming at a friend’s pool, and then time just flew on by, hearing little bits here and there of how you were. The next meeting we had was in February of 1997 when I moved here to (North America). You were in your own growing pains by then, so it was your younger brother who entertained me, but it was understandable. In 2000, you flew to see me and Jakob Dylan at the Bridge School Concert. In 2001, you traveled to Virginia to see me marry and even carried the rose petals. Then years went by and the next thing I knew you traveled to Pennsylvania to attend Pitt. Auntie Chesca explains it right, “blink and before you know it 23 years has passed”. So on this day we (Auntie Gigi and I) wish you a great new year and several more great years. We hope to hear more of your travels and that we meet more often.

Happy Crismuz?

And what has he done?

The New Addition to the Remodel

His sister Chesca was born close to the time they moved into their newly remodeled house, which made that Christmas even more special. He held her two little hands while she walked from the glowing Sacred Heart to the swinging kitchen door. He doesn’t think she remembers this, but he taught her how to walk.

When he and his brothers picked teams for softball, his team, Blue Socks—literally, he designed the uniforms with blue striped socks—did not include her, which made her very jealous. "Gnilims-peek" was a club including Chesca, Karen, Peggy, Peter and himself that included “Masonic” dark meetings on tires within the helpers’ quarters.

In his quest to achieve architectural greatness, he constructed a tree house that would withstand even the strongest of typhoons. One of the perks to the “tree-top hotel” was a tire swing. For only 25 centavos, anyone could be a member. However, even though she failed to pay, he was the only one to run out when little Chesca fell from this tire swing.

He remembers Chesca using her unending talent for art and craft by borrowing his poster paints to color her hair for a Cyndi Lauper party. She was the hit of the high school party without the use of the more expensive “spray on” color. During this time of their lives, he antagonized her with the demonstration a Coca-cola swap. But of course, this isn’t about him.

Memories are hazy for the next several years (decades). One of the main memories he retains was how her beauty and spunk tortured many men-with-delusions-of-grandeur to be the possible boyfriend. He recollects an expensive racing bicycle being thrown down the pebble wash steps out of one of these rejections. Many BOYS shed tears for her.

When he arrived to the States, Chesca was already here to help. His first memory of her in the States was her DRIVING a SUV from Cleveland to Pittsburgh (“Don’t talk to me!”). Realize, he had never seen her drive before and her stress was apparent. She is known as the great unifier within the family. Even if he did not ask for help, she knew he needed it. Her daughter, Kika, at a very young age, always knew when to call in her sweet young voice (“Hello, Uncle Teddy”) when his heart was breaking from his own child lost. Even today, her kids are his treasure.

So on her 40th birthday, he would like to thank her for her being her in spite of...

p.s. It is 11:00 pm PST which is December 3rd EST...

Winter Rains are Here!

A beer run means putting on the boots, the coat, the slicker and...is that pajama bottoms? How do you fit your wallet in there? Oh yeah, you may forget!

The marvels of technology!

No. 3 Join Us????

Uuuuuyyyy!

No. 2 ONE LIFE!

comments!

No.1

DESIRED!