Last Farewell

Dear Josephine,

I am sorry for not being around when you needed me. I thought I explained why I needed to leave for the United States when you became pregnant, but now I realize you didn’t understand. I realize now we have many cultural differences—in the ways we express ourselves, our limitations in travel, our views of the world, and how we support our loved ones.

I know I pursued extreme avenues to find out how Sparrow is and for her to find out who I am, but hopefully, she and you will find out my goals were sincere. I don’t feel I abandoned Sparrow because my life for the last nine years has revolved around her. I moved to the United States (leaving a prominent job and secure life in the Philippines) in attempt to reach you in time for Sparrow’s birth. If I had stayed in the Philippines, I would not have been able to emigrate at all. I never came to America to be an “American”. I came to here as a stepping-stone to reach you and what I thought would be our “new life.” I worked hard to make money (mopping floors at 4 in the morning and working at a low paying job in the afternoon) to show the immigration office that I had enough money to return, even though my goal was not to return. I felt it was my responsibility to make the money for the trip to England and get there on time, which I know I was late (due to the number of visa denials I received). I know you didn’t feel I cared about you while you were pregnant, but I worked this way and humbled myself (with menial jobs) because I was very excited about our new family, even if I could not express this in letters. Even though I left in December 1997 from England, I still hoped we could be together, which you made clear would not happen when I returned in 1999. That trip in 1999 caused me great debt and other travel complications, which resulted in no further trips after 1999. Contrary to what you might think, I support myself here in America with limited resources from a teaching position. Also, a Filipino passport kept me limited in where I could go. If I could have, I would have taken more trips to England. I find it unfortunate that you perceived all the events since 1997 in the way you expressed yourself in your last letter to the solicitor. I feel you have (or had) a misconception on how and why people travel from other countries. I stay in America to pay off my debt, but this has not been an easy nine years, as my Filipino nationalism does not mix well with the American lifestyle. I don’t seek the American dream which conflicts with what I really want: to go home.

In lieu of pursuing legal avenues, which will cost me money to courts and solicitors, I want to save the money for Sparrow. I will not challenge the way you and Sparrow are living…I will believe she is happy and healthy, which is the most important thing. I will make you aware, as well as Sparrow in another letter, that I am setting aside money for her, which she can access when she needs to. The burden I put on Robino, Margareta and yourself was an unfortunate miscommunication. I understand your concern for Sparrow, to be possibly unhappy by my sudden appearance in her life, so I will wait to not jeopardize her happiness. However, I do want to emphasize that while I am not there, I do think about her and love her to no end. Sparrow is now getting to the age where she will ask and pursue her questions about who she is. I hope she knows that she is and will always be half-Filipino. Please don’t hinder her quest for answers. If needed, I now have a United States passport (1st world), which allows me to travel to other 1st world countries easier, including England.

I have looked up what you have being doing these last few years, and I am proud of you for what you have accomplished with your textiles. I am happy you have been successful with your craft. You have moved on and so have I. I know you know that I have gotten married. My wife and I will eventually move to the Philippines so I can truly help the poor in the world, using the skills I gained here in the States working with disabled children.

Many times I wished our relationship could have been longer in the Philippines so that we understood each other better. I wish I had told you what I felt then and how I have been feeling these last few years about our situation and Sparrow. Again, we never had a strong relationship.

I would like you (and Sparrow) to know that she has many cousins around the world who know about her, and would like to meet her at some time. She has cousins here in America, in Australia, and in the Philippines. As for the here and now, I continue to hope that Sparrow is happy and not exposed to the materialism of the “unreal” world.

I do not expect a response from you, as this is my last correspondence to explain myself to you. I will continue to write to Sparrow and send gifts on her birthday and at Christmas. If she does not receive them now, then I hope you will hold on to them for her in the future. I have not said anything negative about you, and I hope you do the same towards me. I hope if Sparrow does ask about me, you try to explain the difficulties of traveling, as an immigrant and that I do love her very much.

Please extend my apologies to Robino and Margareta. I never wanted other people to care for Sparrow in my place, nor put the burden on you solely as the parent. I really wanted to be there, but I guess everything happens for a reason.

Wishing you the best always,

Tadeo Mercado